Some time ago I wrote a piece about safety....

"I have been thinking alot lately about what it means to feel "safe". There is the normal definition, free from fear of harm. So what does that mean emotionally? I can't answer that for others, only for myself.
Being safe means knowing. It means knowing I am loved. It is knowing I am wanted. It is knowing.
When I know, nothing is too hard."

I come back to that again, struggling to understand what it means. For me it means knowing, but the ways I know are so tenuous that maybe I do a disservice to myself. You read all the funny sayings on  the web about friendship,

Doesn't that apply to a lover, or more so to your Dominant? Being safe, not having to do or say something to be accepted.
We embrace that in a friendship, the honesty, the caring... why do we sometimes lose that when we enter into a relationship?
Oh, we start out that way. But over time, things erode it seems. And suddenly those silences are filled with "is something wrong?"

For me I know one killer of that safety is keeping things from me, it is sharing with another what used to be shared with me. I want to scream like a kindergartner "it is not fair!!! What did I do?" Because you see, that is what a sub does, a sub looks for fault in  herself. He is perfect, so she must have done something, or was not enough... and he had to get his needs met somewhere else.

And with that blame comes the guilt, Why wasn't I better? Why didn't I see? Why am I such a fool?
All the while wanting desperately for Him to tell her she is wrong, that she is still safe.

I wonder, is it a flaw in myself to want that safety of being the most important thing in my Dominant's life?

Respect

Someone reminded of that word today. Respect. What does it really mean?
The meaning is " a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements." So it started me thinking.

Being respected is something that we talk a lot about, and we always tote as a hallmark of a good relationship. What are we looking for? Respect as in admiration? Admiration for just being me? This feeling of respect comes from the persons abilities, qualities or achievements. Is it then possible to have respect for someone even if they can do something we dislike?
Do I respect the baseball player because he hit a record number of home runs, yet is a convicted of spousal abuse?

Respect for someone when entering into a relationship implies what?
You know the old adage when a guy is trying to have sex with a girl "will you respect me in the morning?" So if she does, will he still hold her to the same esteem as he supposedly does now? But is that true? I mean, if he would even entertain having sex with her when she is that concerned, is he showing respect?

Does love cause a different definition of respect?

You will hear someone say, "I respect you and therefore will not lie to you." How is that respect? Not to say that anyone should ever lie, but if the only reason I am not lying is that I respect you, does it make it okay to lie if you don't respect someone?

And what are the implications of respecting someone because of who they are or the office they hold? Does a wife owe respect to her husband because he is her husband? Or does a child owe respect to a parent simply because they are their parent? What about actions? Does that fit in anywhere?

And if we don't respect someone, can we learn to? Can they do something to gain our respect? Or something that will cause us to admire them? What if they do some things we admire and others we don't, do we still respect them?

It seems that all I have are questions, the answers may well lie deep inside. The feeling of respect is not something that can necessarily be seen outside of the relationship. The feeling of respect is something that we each feel on an individual level, and may differ from person to person.

Interview with a Dominant

Once again I find myself struggling to understand how a relationship falls apart. Meeting a Dominant, we somehow drifted toward talking about how a D/s relationship develops and his views sparked something.

Both the Dominant and the submissive are seeking a relationship to feed their own selfish needs. (Not just D/s, but all relationships develop with that) The Dominant has a need to be in control. The submissive has a need to give up control. Some Dominants take control, and some ask for it. Some submissives hand it over and some cling to it and want it wrestled from them. The end result is the same.

Me: What about the potential of pain and hurt?
Graeme: The very nature of a submissive means great risk for the potential of great reward. Nothing should be pursued without a lot of caution and true trust.

Me: Don't you find it the same for the Dominant?

Graeme: Yes and no. A dominant tends to have less risk because emotions deepen more slowly generally. This is not from lack of intent, only that one isn't made as emotionally vulnerable as the dominant. That is why it is even more important for a submissive/slave to move slowly.

The submissive by her very nature, needs to commit a great part of herself to feel his domination.
The Dominant's need for control can be satisfied without giving much of himself. He does not enjoy the full message of his fulfillment, but can take more time to find that he seeks.
 
Me: What is the responsibility  of the Dominant for the submissive if this new relationship is not working?

Graeme: He needs to be honest and honorable about how he handles her. Being direct can be painful, but she deserves truth...given gently. 

Me: But if she has already given a part of herself ... I don't know I struggle with this .... for the dynamics to really work she needs to submit at least to some degree .. and He always asks for more and more .... then if at some point decides she is not the one and she by then she has given so much ... well it is just painful. Is it any wonder we are so guarded?

Graeme: No, it is very understandable. Too many try to push the submissive too deep, too fast...without consideration of the ramifications.

Me: When she tries to protect herself ... to take it slow ... suddenly she is questioned on her submission.

Graeme: Many push without true thought and believe themselves more ready than they are. For that matter, some act well beyond their understanding...or even care.
 

Ignoring your need to submission does not make it go away. In fact, it only heightens the need for it.
 

Graeme: If it's a part of you...avoiding it is virtually impossible. Even within roleplay, a submissive will try to please. When that same submissive serves someone who knows enough to make the submissive "feel their knees", you cannot help but become vulnerable. If you have something to hold onto, to keep your stability in check, perhaps it doesn't hit as hard...but it'll still make an impact on you. Then you have to hope that the person who did this to you, doesn't lead you down a painful path...whether intentionally or through their own naivety.

A submissive seeks that which allows her to embrace and to "feel" her submissiveness. She will react to a Domination by yielding her power albeit cautiously at first. She thinks of holding back as she steps toward that relationship, she may even try, but in the end, she cannot as it is as much a part of her to yield as breathing. 

Graeme: If you could, you likely wouldn't have even started down the path. I mean the path of submission to whoever is causing it...not the path of being a submissive itself.

A submissives's life = great risk, for the potential of great reward. By the way, none of what I'm saying should be taken as me thinking badly of our choices to be Master or slave. There is incredible beauty in what we embrace. My words are only a sharing of cautions and tempered expectations to hopefully best protect someone from much of the pain learned as we grow.

Me: And potential at times for great hurt.  And I do understand that .... each time I go through the period of thinking that D/s is a fool's folly .. and try to walk away from it ... but the ache for it is too great and the craving draws me back.

Graeme: Once pandora's box has been opened...there is no closing it. We all are drawn to the wish to find our complement in life...and within this lifestyle that complement is the one who is at the other end of your leash.

The slave seeks the one to hold the leash...and the dominant seeks the one who is tied to the end of theirs.

Me: Yes ... and the truth is that I think that for a Dominant .. that fulfillment can be fleeting ... the ache can be satisfied without a deeper commitment ... I am not saying he would not seek the deepness .. but it is not as much as a need to scratch the itch .... for the sub .. she needs that deeper part to scratch her itch and then as she gets it ... she finds it hard to just walk away and let it go.

Graeme: He does not "need" to be made more vulnerable...she does. If you drew a graph to represent them, the dominant's would flow steady and have little fluctuation as a whole. The submissive's, however, would fluctuate up and down far more dramatically. She can achieve far greater euphoria, but also far greater pain.

Does the Dominant understand this? Or is it something learned over time? Dominants seem to fall into their role learning it from the subs they encounter on the way. Not meaning to hurt, they can wreak havoc on the soul of a trusting sub.  Age is not the key here, some instinctively understand the dynamic and what it does to the souls involved. Some learn as a sub does by entering into a relationship that fails badly with hurt on both sides. 

Me: You are the first Dominant to ever admit that to me.

Graeme: Then they have either withheld it consciously or subconsciously...or worse yet, don't even recognize it themselves.

Dominance is about control, and the first one they need to dominate is themselves. Control also means very little fluctuation through extremes. A slave is about surrender, and the freedom to release themselves into the hands of another. Freedom is about experience and embracing themselves and the nature of that is the extremes.

Me: Would it not be difficult for a Dominant to explain it to a sub he was seeking?

Graeme: Perhaps. Catch is though, if he has the confidence that he should have...and desires the best slave he can...he should help guide her to the best way to find herself.

Even if that means he risks her not submitting to him. Fact is, if he really has that confidence, it should "increase" the chance he may yet own her.

So what attracts the sub to the Dominant in the first place? I would suggest that the first thing that attracts her is his confidence. A seasoned sub can quickly see the difference between arrogance and confidence. In a confident man, she sees the “one” that can provide what she craves. Control. She still holds back, and as he begins his dominance, slowly (sometimes quickly) she yields.

Graeme: If he lacks the confidence, he tends to be even more possessive and tries to control her access to others, out of a fear that someone else may snatch her away. Yet the act of trying to hide her away is far more damaging to the chain he binds her with, than the risk of what another may do.

The sub in this case, becomes confused. If he is confident, then why does he need such a tight damaging control? Some might argue that she feels that she needs it, as her trust of him dictates that he will do what is best for her. So she will submit to his commands, thinking as he understands how committed she is, he will loosen the leash. Sadly that is not the case. And at some point the trust that he knows what she needs is cracked.

Me: That trust ... that deep trust does take a lot of confidence.... and well for a sub with that confidence ... when that trust is broken, she suffers greatly.

Graeme: If he wishes her deepest surrender he needs to help her develop the greatest level of trust in him. If he wishes that trust, he needs an equal amount of openness and honesty. In other words....Ultimate Surrender = Ultimate Trust

Me: And that takes time..... and as you said before ... she tends to give it faster than he does ... and he is able to walk away easier. And too often it comes at the moment she is ready to submit completely.

Graeme: That is unfortunately the nature of the dynamic. It is not a malicious or intentional disparity by the dominant...only the natural result of the roles we take.

When the break up occurs at that point, the sub is floundering, alone and wondering what it was that she did to cause him to walk away. She questions her own submission, was it not enough? Did she not commit soon enough? Was she just not worth it?

For many subs, this happens over and over. And with each time, the wound is deeper and more difficult to heal. It takes a very special man, Master, to see the worth of that girl and be willing to give the time and patience and yes, confidence to see her through the caterpillar stage to become the butterfly she can and will become.

I wish that a true sharing of knowledge could be found to help prepare more for what they'll find could be found...and that those who heard it would take it to heart and heed it. Neither seems to happen.

Why?

  Why?

I found this from 2011. Each time feels like it is the first time.

The day starts out well, and slowly falls apart. I seem to remember days like that before I knew I was a sub, so why do I blame it now on being a sub.

Why is it so hard to express my needs and wants and desires? Do I need to have a Master to do that? Why?
A Master should know his sub, every hair on her body, every need before she can even need it. How can He when I don't know myself?

Do I want too much? Or am I not good enough?

Feeling safe

I have been thinking alot lately about what it means to feel "safe". There is the normal definition, free from fear of harm. So what does that mean emotionally? I can't answer that for others, only for myself.
Being safe means knowing. It means knowing I am loved. It is knowing I am wanted. It is knowing.
When I know, nothing is too hard.

Relationship 101

I sure wish this was a class I could take. Relationships are so hard, then you throw in the D/s piece and you are creating a potential bomb!
Why are they so hard?
When we are young, there are so many questions and we get wrapped up in learning all we can about the people we become infatuated with. We want to know it all! Every breath they take! Every word becomes something to hang onto. This grows into love, and if it is the right one, this deepens over time. If it lasts, then we grow into each other. Growing into each other is something that takes time.
It means learning and understanding how and why a person reacts the way they do to a word, a glance, a situation or an argument. How much better would it be if we, ourselves, understood why we do such things.
But many times we don't and the other person, with time and understanding can help one learn and change the reactions. It is said that people that are in love and live together a long time begin to look like each other. I think that is true in the sense that the way they react to the world around them becomes similar. At best, they take the best from each other and incorporate it into themselves.

But what happens if it doesn't last? If it ends in pain or disillusionment. That happens. We can not always understand the needs of someone without the time it takes to know them. All the buzz words come into play.... love, trust, faith etc. We again react. Each failed relationship, whether it is a couple love relationship or not, leaves wounds. Some wounds heal quickly and leave a tiny scar easily ignored. Some leave large scars that are visible and yet others leave open wounds that don't completely heal. These are the ones to watch out for, because at some point they will infect any relationship. 

Entering into a relationship with someone with scars and wounds is a choice you need to think about carefully. It can be a mine field. It is romantic to think you can pick someone up and help them heal. The reality is that it is hard work and can be frustrating. It will push you to the limit of your own capabilities. The other thing to consider is that you can cause additional harm if you cannot see it through.
Learning to trust someone after you have been hurt is a process that means opening the wound and allowing it to weep then heal. If you start the process and then drop it, the wound is deeper. Again, think carefully before jumping into this role.

A lot to think about, and that is before you enter into the relationship. Then you want to throw in the Domination and submission piece.
Dominating a submissive with "baggage" is not something to be entered into lightly. It will test the Master in you every minute of every day. She will test you, challenge you and push the limits. It is not always a conscious thought, but a reaction to what she has experienced in the past. Remember she does not always know why she reacts as she does. She does not always understand why she feels as she does. And you won't either. So what do you do?
Look at the title, "Relationship 101", remember first and foremost it is a relationship that is being built. There is a lot to learn. You need to think of the reasons you wanted the relationship to begin with. For a moment, put on your Master hat and think about why she is reacting as she is. Is she testing? Is she challenging you as a Master? or does she even know? Is she confused and reaching out for any reaction from you. You may not have the answer, but somehow you need to put her in the position to discover the answer in herself. How do you do that?
For a sub that is reacting rather than thinking, she needs stability. Something to hold onto that is known and consistent. For some it is being held tight, for some it is being bound, it depends on the sub. (You may want to think of this before the meltdown and have a plan.) Then listen, and listen some more. Let her talk it through. Let her know you love her no matter what. Let her know you accept her no matter what. For a time, don't think about how it affects you. Focus on her and her confusion and needs. Is that hard to do? You bet cha! Impossible for some and the reason for so many dissolved relationships. Is it worth it? Well, you be the judge. Do you want the relationship? Do you want her?

Once the stability is established, you can back off and let her learn. Punish if you must, or if she needs it. Talk about what happened, and let her see what she did wrong. Now is the time to examine your reactions and why. Now is the time for her to learn which buttons she pushed and why. Now is the time for you both to smooth the hurt and grow from the experience.
One thing to remember, you are the Master. There is a reason she looks to you. If she could do it herself, she would not need you to do it. She needs you to take control and make it happen.

Did you think it would be easy? Does she have any responsibility to you, her Master. Yes, of course, she does. But you may need to remind her of that at first. She is still learning, she is still learning how what she does affects the balance in the relationship. She will learn through your guidance and care. Isn't that what you signed up for?

Transparency

Honesty and openness in any relationship is crucial. But what about transparency? I must admit that for me this is a new concept. Or is it really?

Honesty is defined as fairness and straightforwardness of conduct and also adherence to the facts. I think that is what we are all used to understanding when someone tells you they are honest. The facts, just the facts… can one be honest with just the facts yet be perceived as deceitful? Does honesty imply we give all the facts? Can we pick and choose which facts we reveal? (Chuckles thinking that is diplomacy).

Transparent is defined as able to be seen through, easy to notice or understand and honest and open, not secretive. So the word honest is used in the meaning of transparency.

Not secretive. What does that mean? The meaning is not letting people see or know what you are doing or thinking. So if that is true, we are all secretive at times.

Transparency is therefore is straightforward and fair, sticking to facts and letting someone know what you are thinking. That is a lot to ask of someone.  Transparency is offering the whole story, not holding back the thoughts behind it.

What does that mean for a relationship?

We like to think we are open and honest when we enter into a relationship. We want to know what the other person is thinking and feeling. We want to share our thoughts and feelings. Intimacy, which is what we strive for.

Where does honesty enter in? When we share our thoughts and our feelings we try to give the other some understanding of who we are. It only makes sense that we would be honest, or else the person they begin to know is not really the person we are. Oh wait, maybe that is what we want. Do we at times try to become what we think the other person is looking for? I think the key here is that honesty begins with ourselves. We have to be honest with ourselves to ever dream of being honest with someone else.

Being open means letting another touch our thoughts and feelings in an intimate way. That is a little more difficult than honesty I think. With honesty we are giving our thoughts as facts (facts as we know them). In openness we are allowing another to touch those thoughts and to interact with them. We are acknowledging that those thoughts may be changed by the other person. We accept that the thoughts of the other one may affect how we feel. A really difficult thing for many people to do, especially if there has been abuse of the privilege previously.

Then we toss in being transparent. Giving another access to thoughts and feelings in a depth that can be staggering. I think transparent goes beyond open.

What does that all mean for a D/s relationship where we now talk about a power exchange?

In the power exchange, the submissive surrenders her power, her will to the Dominant. In exchange, the Dominant uses the combined power for the relationship and the two people involved. It is a rather simplistic definition but for our purposes adequate.

In surrendering her power she goes beyond simple thoughts and feelings. She reaches deep inside and brings forth the deepest innermost pieces of her being. In surrendering this, the need for honesty is overshadowed by the need for transparency. For not only does she need to open her thoughts and feelings to him, she needs to open the roots of those thoughts and feelings. The giving of power and her need for Domination grants him the right to all that she thinks. Without it, he cannot completely dominate. He has the tools, his power, her power and her thoughts. Transparency sharpens those tools. Without sharpness, mishaps can happen and in the end, both can be harmed. 

Does this happen right away in the relationship? I think this is where we run into trouble. To be transparent, one must have a deep secure sense of self and a deep trust of the other. It cannot happen overnight, but needs to grow with the relationship. Most do not give it the time needed. We enter into a relationship wanting to share thoughts. As caring deepens, we begin to open up and share feelings. As the feelings deepen, we enter into the power exchange and transparency begins, yes begins. It is not immediate and it takes time. It is incumbent on the Dominant to facilitate the movement toward transparency.