Interview with a Dominant

Once again I find myself struggling to understand how a relationship falls apart. Meeting a Dominant, we somehow drifted toward talking about how a D/s relationship develops and his views sparked something.

Both the Dominant and the submissive are seeking a relationship to feed their own selfish needs. (Not just D/s, but all relationships develop with that) The Dominant has a need to be in control. The submissive has a need to give up control. Some Dominants take control, and some ask for it. Some submissives hand it over and some cling to it and want it wrestled from them. The end result is the same.

Me: What about the potential of pain and hurt?
Graeme: The very nature of a submissive means great risk for the potential of great reward. Nothing should be pursued without a lot of caution and true trust.

Me: Don't you find it the same for the Dominant?

Graeme: Yes and no. A dominant tends to have less risk because emotions deepen more slowly generally. This is not from lack of intent, only that one isn't made as emotionally vulnerable as the dominant. That is why it is even more important for a submissive/slave to move slowly.

The submissive by her very nature, needs to commit a great part of herself to feel his domination.
The Dominant's need for control can be satisfied without giving much of himself. He does not enjoy the full message of his fulfillment, but can take more time to find that he seeks.
 
Me: What is the responsibility  of the Dominant for the submissive if this new relationship is not working?

Graeme: He needs to be honest and honorable about how he handles her. Being direct can be painful, but she deserves truth...given gently. 

Me: But if she has already given a part of herself ... I don't know I struggle with this .... for the dynamics to really work she needs to submit at least to some degree .. and He always asks for more and more .... then if at some point decides she is not the one and she by then she has given so much ... well it is just painful. Is it any wonder we are so guarded?

Graeme: No, it is very understandable. Too many try to push the submissive too deep, too fast...without consideration of the ramifications.

Me: When she tries to protect herself ... to take it slow ... suddenly she is questioned on her submission.

Graeme: Many push without true thought and believe themselves more ready than they are. For that matter, some act well beyond their understanding...or even care.
 

Ignoring your need to submission does not make it go away. In fact, it only heightens the need for it.
 

Graeme: If it's a part of you...avoiding it is virtually impossible. Even within roleplay, a submissive will try to please. When that same submissive serves someone who knows enough to make the submissive "feel their knees", you cannot help but become vulnerable. If you have something to hold onto, to keep your stability in check, perhaps it doesn't hit as hard...but it'll still make an impact on you. Then you have to hope that the person who did this to you, doesn't lead you down a painful path...whether intentionally or through their own naivety.

A submissive seeks that which allows her to embrace and to "feel" her submissiveness. She will react to a Domination by yielding her power albeit cautiously at first. She thinks of holding back as she steps toward that relationship, she may even try, but in the end, she cannot as it is as much a part of her to yield as breathing. 

Graeme: If you could, you likely wouldn't have even started down the path. I mean the path of submission to whoever is causing it...not the path of being a submissive itself.

A submissives's life = great risk, for the potential of great reward. By the way, none of what I'm saying should be taken as me thinking badly of our choices to be Master or slave. There is incredible beauty in what we embrace. My words are only a sharing of cautions and tempered expectations to hopefully best protect someone from much of the pain learned as we grow.

Me: And potential at times for great hurt.  And I do understand that .... each time I go through the period of thinking that D/s is a fool's folly .. and try to walk away from it ... but the ache for it is too great and the craving draws me back.

Graeme: Once pandora's box has been opened...there is no closing it. We all are drawn to the wish to find our complement in life...and within this lifestyle that complement is the one who is at the other end of your leash.

The slave seeks the one to hold the leash...and the dominant seeks the one who is tied to the end of theirs.

Me: Yes ... and the truth is that I think that for a Dominant .. that fulfillment can be fleeting ... the ache can be satisfied without a deeper commitment ... I am not saying he would not seek the deepness .. but it is not as much as a need to scratch the itch .... for the sub .. she needs that deeper part to scratch her itch and then as she gets it ... she finds it hard to just walk away and let it go.

Graeme: He does not "need" to be made more vulnerable...she does. If you drew a graph to represent them, the dominant's would flow steady and have little fluctuation as a whole. The submissive's, however, would fluctuate up and down far more dramatically. She can achieve far greater euphoria, but also far greater pain.

Does the Dominant understand this? Or is it something learned over time? Dominants seem to fall into their role learning it from the subs they encounter on the way. Not meaning to hurt, they can wreak havoc on the soul of a trusting sub.  Age is not the key here, some instinctively understand the dynamic and what it does to the souls involved. Some learn as a sub does by entering into a relationship that fails badly with hurt on both sides. 

Me: You are the first Dominant to ever admit that to me.

Graeme: Then they have either withheld it consciously or subconsciously...or worse yet, don't even recognize it themselves.

Dominance is about control, and the first one they need to dominate is themselves. Control also means very little fluctuation through extremes. A slave is about surrender, and the freedom to release themselves into the hands of another. Freedom is about experience and embracing themselves and the nature of that is the extremes.

Me: Would it not be difficult for a Dominant to explain it to a sub he was seeking?

Graeme: Perhaps. Catch is though, if he has the confidence that he should have...and desires the best slave he can...he should help guide her to the best way to find herself.

Even if that means he risks her not submitting to him. Fact is, if he really has that confidence, it should "increase" the chance he may yet own her.

So what attracts the sub to the Dominant in the first place? I would suggest that the first thing that attracts her is his confidence. A seasoned sub can quickly see the difference between arrogance and confidence. In a confident man, she sees the “one” that can provide what she craves. Control. She still holds back, and as he begins his dominance, slowly (sometimes quickly) she yields.

Graeme: If he lacks the confidence, he tends to be even more possessive and tries to control her access to others, out of a fear that someone else may snatch her away. Yet the act of trying to hide her away is far more damaging to the chain he binds her with, than the risk of what another may do.

The sub in this case, becomes confused. If he is confident, then why does he need such a tight damaging control? Some might argue that she feels that she needs it, as her trust of him dictates that he will do what is best for her. So she will submit to his commands, thinking as he understands how committed she is, he will loosen the leash. Sadly that is not the case. And at some point the trust that he knows what she needs is cracked.

Me: That trust ... that deep trust does take a lot of confidence.... and well for a sub with that confidence ... when that trust is broken, she suffers greatly.

Graeme: If he wishes her deepest surrender he needs to help her develop the greatest level of trust in him. If he wishes that trust, he needs an equal amount of openness and honesty. In other words....Ultimate Surrender = Ultimate Trust

Me: And that takes time..... and as you said before ... she tends to give it faster than he does ... and he is able to walk away easier. And too often it comes at the moment she is ready to submit completely.

Graeme: That is unfortunately the nature of the dynamic. It is not a malicious or intentional disparity by the dominant...only the natural result of the roles we take.

When the break up occurs at that point, the sub is floundering, alone and wondering what it was that she did to cause him to walk away. She questions her own submission, was it not enough? Did she not commit soon enough? Was she just not worth it?

For many subs, this happens over and over. And with each time, the wound is deeper and more difficult to heal. It takes a very special man, Master, to see the worth of that girl and be willing to give the time and patience and yes, confidence to see her through the caterpillar stage to become the butterfly she can and will become.

I wish that a true sharing of knowledge could be found to help prepare more for what they'll find could be found...and that those who heard it would take it to heart and heed it. Neither seems to happen.