Transparency

Honesty and openness in any relationship is crucial. But what about transparency? I must admit that for me this is a new concept. Or is it really?

Honesty is defined as fairness and straightforwardness of conduct and also adherence to the facts. I think that is what we are all used to understanding when someone tells you they are honest. The facts, just the facts… can one be honest with just the facts yet be perceived as deceitful? Does honesty imply we give all the facts? Can we pick and choose which facts we reveal? (Chuckles thinking that is diplomacy).

Transparent is defined as able to be seen through, easy to notice or understand and honest and open, not secretive. So the word honest is used in the meaning of transparency.

Not secretive. What does that mean? The meaning is not letting people see or know what you are doing or thinking. So if that is true, we are all secretive at times.

Transparency is therefore is straightforward and fair, sticking to facts and letting someone know what you are thinking. That is a lot to ask of someone.  Transparency is offering the whole story, not holding back the thoughts behind it.

What does that mean for a relationship?

We like to think we are open and honest when we enter into a relationship. We want to know what the other person is thinking and feeling. We want to share our thoughts and feelings. Intimacy, which is what we strive for.

Where does honesty enter in? When we share our thoughts and our feelings we try to give the other some understanding of who we are. It only makes sense that we would be honest, or else the person they begin to know is not really the person we are. Oh wait, maybe that is what we want. Do we at times try to become what we think the other person is looking for? I think the key here is that honesty begins with ourselves. We have to be honest with ourselves to ever dream of being honest with someone else.

Being open means letting another touch our thoughts and feelings in an intimate way. That is a little more difficult than honesty I think. With honesty we are giving our thoughts as facts (facts as we know them). In openness we are allowing another to touch those thoughts and to interact with them. We are acknowledging that those thoughts may be changed by the other person. We accept that the thoughts of the other one may affect how we feel. A really difficult thing for many people to do, especially if there has been abuse of the privilege previously.

Then we toss in being transparent. Giving another access to thoughts and feelings in a depth that can be staggering. I think transparent goes beyond open.

What does that all mean for a D/s relationship where we now talk about a power exchange?

In the power exchange, the submissive surrenders her power, her will to the Dominant. In exchange, the Dominant uses the combined power for the relationship and the two people involved. It is a rather simplistic definition but for our purposes adequate.

In surrendering her power she goes beyond simple thoughts and feelings. She reaches deep inside and brings forth the deepest innermost pieces of her being. In surrendering this, the need for honesty is overshadowed by the need for transparency. For not only does she need to open her thoughts and feelings to him, she needs to open the roots of those thoughts and feelings. The giving of power and her need for Domination grants him the right to all that she thinks. Without it, he cannot completely dominate. He has the tools, his power, her power and her thoughts. Transparency sharpens those tools. Without sharpness, mishaps can happen and in the end, both can be harmed. 

Does this happen right away in the relationship? I think this is where we run into trouble. To be transparent, one must have a deep secure sense of self and a deep trust of the other. It cannot happen overnight, but needs to grow with the relationship. Most do not give it the time needed. We enter into a relationship wanting to share thoughts. As caring deepens, we begin to open up and share feelings. As the feelings deepen, we enter into the power exchange and transparency begins, yes begins. It is not immediate and it takes time. It is incumbent on the Dominant to facilitate the movement toward transparency.