Don't be afraid to wait.
Taking on a relationship is a big step. But how long is too long?

You meet someone, and you and he seem to think alike. You enjoy each others company, and you spend more and more time together.
In the world of D/s, you begin to think of submission. Is he the right Dom for me? Can I be the right sub for him?
Too often that need to submit clouds the bigger picture. The fact that you have specific needs is forgotten


“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”
Maureen Dowd

Control

I have been thinking alot about control lately. I guess because so much is happening that is out of my control.
What is control really? The definition doesn't tell me much: To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct. >laughs< What does that mean?

Looking at it closely it means I can influence and direct .... direct .... what?
Well, anything I choose.

Wait, that means that I can control anything? And that is the rub, we can only control that which is in our power to control. So as a sub I want to control the immediate world around me, to manipulate it so that I feel loved and needed and safe ( we all have specific needs). But in truth, I also seek one that will control that for me.
Why? What about empowerment, what about taking control of your self?

Well, that is very important. The definition of empowerment is to give power or authority to, or to enable or permit. So I accept that I have power and authority over me. I choose to give that power and authority to another. Is that not empowerment? To make a choice in my own best interests?

Submission is a choice

Submission is not only a conscious choice. It is also an unconscious one. While the initial act of submission should be a well thought out decision, the continuing surrender becomes unconscious. It becomes an existence.

We may feel we make that choice to submit each and every time, but truly once we start down that path, we find those decisions less difficult or really, our feelings of “I choose” slip behind the trust and love we have for our Dominant. We choose to take the choice out of our hands and leave it in the hands of the one we trust completely.

We become dominated, and thus become free.

This creates angst in us. While we seek to be controlled, we also want to control. We want to control our ability to submit. We stand up and say “I choose to submit”. When we realize that choice is surrounded by our Dominant’s control, we struggle. (I believe many of the arguments concerning the difference between a slave and a sub begin here.)

An experienced Dominant knows this process. An inexperienced one is surprised and may lose control creating havoc for both the sub and the Dominant. The less control the Dominant exerts the less submission the sub gives. It is easy at this point to exclaim that the sub is not a true sub and only see the dominant side.

It is incumbent on the Dominant in the beginning of the relationship to establish his domination, his control so that the submission feels those bonds. In the beginning of the relationship, each is “staking their territory” so to speak. He knows what he needs, and seeks to find that in the sub. She knows what she needs and seeks that in the Dominant. A dance so to speak, with the Dominant taking the lead. But remember, one cannot dance this dance alone. The Dominant must guide the sub into the role he desires. This is done because of the initial surrender, she has asked his guidance. She has surrendered her control and asks him to direct her on the journey they travel together. This does not mean he is “in charge” now with no input from her. It means he takes the responsibility to learn her and understand her and guide their relationship into one that is mutually satisfying. What a responsibility!!

How does he do that? Experience helps. Listening, reading and learning are also important. The greatest quality I feel is the ability to listen to the sub and communicate. He must communicate the goal they are trying to achieve, talk her though the questions and fears and be able to admit when he may be unsure or off the path. Submissives are more satisfied when the Dominant feels their pain, when the Dominant understands when they are upset, understands tears and anger. Submissives are more likely to open up and learn themselves better when they feel that their feelings are valid and valued.

It is also important for the submissive to know that the Dominant is upset and feels pain and anger also. It is reassuring for the sub to know that the Dominant is invested enough to care that deeply. Submissives (especially women) do not see this as weakness; rather it is seen as a sign of immense strength. 

Surrender or Love

In any relationship there comes a time when you know. You know it is time to move forward or time to move on.
Finding that moment is heartbreaking for many, especially for the long term relationship.

When a relationship is new, we tend to hold back a little. Just in case, it is not what we think it is. Human nature I suppose. Maybe not everyone does. I dont really remember if I did the first time I fell in love.
After some time, we give and give and open ourselves up. We are now emotionally invested some would say. We have a reason to work at making the relationship work.

What happens when a sub takes a collar? The relationship is more than emotional now. The feelings involved are deep, but the power exchange is profound. What happens if the D/s relationship fails but the emotional one continues.

How can that happen?
The Dom does not live up to his responsibility, or the sub holds back complete surrender. But the emotions are still there. What do they do? Is the trust broken?

Patience

What is patience?
You hear it said that subs have no patience. I know in my case that is sometimes true. I have all the patience in the world with other people. But when it comes to my needs, I have little or no patience. Not that I don't try. I have running conversations with myself to slow down and I always caution others to take their time.

So who needs patience? We all do. We need to take the time to learn. We need to take the time to know someone. Entering a relationship is not something you do in the heat of a moment. It is something that needs to be nurtured and grown over time. Watered and tended, fertilized until it comes to bloom.

We plant the seeds and want the fruit the next day. If that happens we cheat ourselves of the wonder of discovery. The discovery of what makes someone the person we want to be with.

Patience. Doms have patience, and if they don't we may be doomed to fail.
So subs? Listen to him/her when you are told to take your time. Be wary if he/she pulls a collar out and says ... "we will learn as we go."

The D/s relationship

There has been a lot written about Doms and subs, trying to understand their inner workings. I am a submissive, so naturally I look closely at the sub view point and the needs of a sub. I understand the feelings and behaviors of subs.
Doms are still a mystery to me!
Oh, I did know that Doms have needs, the same as subs. But those needs are different. Or are they? Maybe not so different as they are met in different ways.

Most people need to feel loved and wanted. They need to feel needed and safe. The manner in which that need can be met is different for everyone.
A sub needs to surrender to someone who will dominate. Someone that will take charge, and take care of the needs h/she is aware of. Someone that will search for those needs h/she is not even conscious of.

A Dominant needs to control and dominate. H/she wants to be in charge, wants to take care of someone.

Sounds perfect right? So what doesn't work? Why are there so many broken collars?

Sometimes one "side" or the other is too overwhelmed. A sub needs so much, wants so much that the Dom's needs and wants are hidden in the journey of caring for her/him.

Or a sub loses her/his self serving her/his Dom. Being everything H/she wishes, anticipating wants and needs.
Both ways are dangerous. When one subjugates his/her needs for too long then something fails. At some point the Dom or sub feels used as opposed to taken care of.

Lack of communication contributes. It is important for a Dom as well as a sub to know and talk about their needs and wants. It is a mutual exchange of power that makes them both stronger.

Looking for real

So many times Doms and subs come to me telling me they are looking for a "real" sub, or a "real" Dom. What does that mean?

What is not real? Made up?

While I know what they mean, I ask them to define it. Because in finding out what is real, you find out what you need and want.

Some things I hear:

A sub that obeys.
What does that mean? Obeys who? Obeys every word without a thought? Obeys quickly? Never asks a question?

A Dom that respects me.
What does that mean? Call you by name? Never makes you kneel in front of others? Listens to you when you speak?

A sub that is open. Open to something? Open for something? Or do you want to know what she/he feels? Want to know what she/he expects?

A Dom that is strong?
Strong physically? Can shout loud? Or is the silent type?

There is more of course but you get the idea. When you ask a question of a Dom or a sub, be specific and know what you are looking for.
Does that mean you need a checklist? No, but you should know what is something you must find in that person as opposed with something you might live with.

Searching for real. It is not easy. What makes you real?


"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day...."Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.
"It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." ... "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.
 "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit."
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept."

 "Love makes you real." said the Rocking Horse. "Once you're real, you can't become un-real again. It lasts for always."said the Rocking Horse.

"Oh, I want very much to be real."

"I'm here to take you away and make you real."
Nursery Fairy


Is it love? or is it a love of who we are. Do we find if we are real through the eyes of someone else?