So many times Doms and subs come to me telling me they are looking for a "real" sub, or a "real" Dom. What does that mean?
What is not real? Made up?
While I know what they mean, I ask them to define it. Because in finding out what is real, you find out what you need and want.
Some things I hear:
A sub that obeys.
What does that mean? Obeys who? Obeys every word without a thought? Obeys quickly? Never asks a question?
A Dom that respects me.
What does that mean? Call you by name? Never makes you kneel in front of others? Listens to you when you speak?
A sub that is open. Open to something? Open for something? Or do you want to know what she/he feels? Want to know what she/he expects?
A Dom that is strong?
Strong physically? Can shout loud? Or is the silent type?
There is more of course but you get the idea. When you ask a question of a Dom or a sub, be specific and know what you are looking for.
Does that mean you need a checklist? No, but you should know what is something you must find in that person as opposed with something you might live with.
Searching for real. It is not easy. What makes you real?
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day...."Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.
"It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." ... "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit."
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept."
"Love makes you real." said the Rocking Horse. "Once you're real, you can't become un-real again. It lasts for always."said the Rocking Horse.
"Oh, I want very much to be real."
"I'm here to take you away and make you real."
Nursery Fairy
Is it love? or is it a love of who we are. Do we find if we are real through the eyes of someone else?
Friday, January 13, 2012
Saturday, December 24, 2011
One Giant Leap
Looking over the edge, I step back. My hands shaking as I turn and look at Him. Taking a step forward, I close my eyes for a moment and take a deep breath.
I look down again and the view from this height is dizzying. I look back at Him, looking for what I am not sure. He smiles and nods His head.
I turn, and jump.
Straight into His arms. "Welcome home, " He says.
I look down again and the view from this height is dizzying. I look back at Him, looking for what I am not sure. He smiles and nods His head.
I turn, and jump.
Straight into His arms. "Welcome home, " He says.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Strength lies with surrender
Some will tell you subs are weak creatures, unable to think for themselves thus needing someone to command them.
Not true.
They want to be told what to do all the time.
Not true.
They need someone to make them knee and kiss the boot.
Not true.
That they want to be treated poorly and humiliated and beat.
Not true.
What is true is that subs are strong. Subs think for themselves. Subs make choices for themselves. And they choose to submit to a Dominant.
It takes a thinking person to decide the course of his/her life. He/ She learns and questions each step of the way, never satisfied with a "pat" answer. He/She thinks, discovers and never stops wanting to know more.
He/She sees the process as a journey as does the Dom. A journey that upon acceptance of her submission, becomes his/her responsibility to direct. Notice I said direct! He/she is very much a part of the process. This is a journey they are both taking, together. They have a vision.
A sub is not weak. To take everything that you are and give it to another, takes strength of will and character.
Never underestimate the power of a sub.
It takes a strong person to be willing to be vulnerable, to open up the deepest parts of her soul. To put aside past pain and overcome his/her fear.
"When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid”
Audre Lorde
Not true.
They want to be told what to do all the time.
Not true.
They need someone to make them knee and kiss the boot.
Not true.
That they want to be treated poorly and humiliated and beat.
Not true.
What is true is that subs are strong. Subs think for themselves. Subs make choices for themselves. And they choose to submit to a Dominant.
It takes a thinking person to decide the course of his/her life. He/ She learns and questions each step of the way, never satisfied with a "pat" answer. He/She thinks, discovers and never stops wanting to know more.
He/She sees the process as a journey as does the Dom. A journey that upon acceptance of her submission, becomes his/her responsibility to direct. Notice I said direct! He/she is very much a part of the process. This is a journey they are both taking, together. They have a vision.
A sub is not weak. To take everything that you are and give it to another, takes strength of will and character.
Never underestimate the power of a sub.
It takes a strong person to be willing to be vulnerable, to open up the deepest parts of her soul. To put aside past pain and overcome his/her fear.
"When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid”
Audre Lorde
Friday, December 16, 2011
Trust Again - No not really
Time to look at trust again.
Trust is given? Trust is earned? Trust grows?
Or is it all of the above. You come to someone, you fall in love. When you look at them you see possibilities, and you have thoughts of what you want and need from them. But trust? We assume that is part of it. And as I have tried to say before, trust is expectations. But someone said something that made me think about that again, "It is not up to him to make you trust. You came to him with that trust and placed it in him." (thank you my friend)
The trust is mine, to give as is my submission. He can't make it, invent it, take it. I bring it and place it in his hands, and accept what he offers as he offers it without conditions. Then and only then am I open to the possibilities. Then and only then have I truly surrendered all control to him and his being. Then and only then can I belong completely.
Sometimes I feel like banging my head against a wall, why did I not understand this before? Because I was too busy hanging onto my trust, and my expectations.
Ouch.... rubbing my head.
It is my trust, my submission that I give. When I put conditions on what he needs to do or even be before I hand over that trust and submission, I set myself up for failure.
Does he need to make a nest for me to curl up in safe and warm ? I used to think so, not I am not so sure. He needs to have the strength and integrity to draw me to him, the open arms waiting. If the trust and submission are given, freely by me (and only I can decide if I have it to give) then the warm safe nest is there with two words, I Submit.
With that leap and that faith, he now has the power to know what I need.
Trust is given? Trust is earned? Trust grows?
Or is it all of the above. You come to someone, you fall in love. When you look at them you see possibilities, and you have thoughts of what you want and need from them. But trust? We assume that is part of it. And as I have tried to say before, trust is expectations. But someone said something that made me think about that again, "It is not up to him to make you trust. You came to him with that trust and placed it in him." (thank you my friend)
The trust is mine, to give as is my submission. He can't make it, invent it, take it. I bring it and place it in his hands, and accept what he offers as he offers it without conditions. Then and only then am I open to the possibilities. Then and only then have I truly surrendered all control to him and his being. Then and only then can I belong completely.
Sometimes I feel like banging my head against a wall, why did I not understand this before? Because I was too busy hanging onto my trust, and my expectations.
Ouch.... rubbing my head.
It is my trust, my submission that I give. When I put conditions on what he needs to do or even be before I hand over that trust and submission, I set myself up for failure.
Does he need to make a nest for me to curl up in safe and warm ? I used to think so, not I am not so sure. He needs to have the strength and integrity to draw me to him, the open arms waiting. If the trust and submission are given, freely by me (and only I can decide if I have it to give) then the warm safe nest is there with two words, I Submit.
With that leap and that faith, he now has the power to know what I need.
Change is in the air
Back again.
Life changes and with those changes we must change. We learn as we go along and hope the lessons are not too painful. Unfortunately they sometimes are and we are left with shattered dreams and we slowly pick up the pieces.
Sometimes we try to glue the pieces together, meticulously making sure each piece lines up perfectly and fits where it once was. But is that wise? After all, it was not strong enough to hold together the first time, putting it back together the same way may not be the wisest thing to do.
Sometimes we choose to sweep the pieces up and put them in a special box or container and set them on a shelf. We look at them each day, a little less as time goes on. The sadness is there, that it is not whole.
Sometimes we sweep them up and toss them in the trash. The pieces are shattered beyond repair. Now that may happen after we try to put them together , or after they have set for a while or as soon as it is broken. Either way, it is gone. Not to be retrieved and recreated.
Grieving for a time, then looking forward. The key is to learn to recognize when it is time to to glue, look at or sweep away.
Can we look back? Of course, we can and should look back, but from a safe distance. Getting too close is dangerous. we get drawn into the dream again. And we forget what got us where we are.
Time to move on, time to look to the future and the possibilities. Will there be moments where you want to turn and run back to where you were? Oh yes, more times than you will want to admit. But I leaned one thing, I was getting ready to move on for a long time, I just needed new glasses to see clearly.
Life changes and with those changes we must change. We learn as we go along and hope the lessons are not too painful. Unfortunately they sometimes are and we are left with shattered dreams and we slowly pick up the pieces.
Sometimes we try to glue the pieces together, meticulously making sure each piece lines up perfectly and fits where it once was. But is that wise? After all, it was not strong enough to hold together the first time, putting it back together the same way may not be the wisest thing to do.
Sometimes we choose to sweep the pieces up and put them in a special box or container and set them on a shelf. We look at them each day, a little less as time goes on. The sadness is there, that it is not whole.
Sometimes we sweep them up and toss them in the trash. The pieces are shattered beyond repair. Now that may happen after we try to put them together , or after they have set for a while or as soon as it is broken. Either way, it is gone. Not to be retrieved and recreated.
Grieving for a time, then looking forward. The key is to learn to recognize when it is time to to glue, look at or sweep away.
Can we look back? Of course, we can and should look back, but from a safe distance. Getting too close is dangerous. we get drawn into the dream again. And we forget what got us where we are.
Time to move on, time to look to the future and the possibilities. Will there be moments where you want to turn and run back to where you were? Oh yes, more times than you will want to admit. But I leaned one thing, I was getting ready to move on for a long time, I just needed new glasses to see clearly.
Friday, June 3, 2011
More on Trust
Still thinking about trust.... so difficult to understand how it works. When you meet someone, there is an initial giving of trust. Superficial, of course. No expectations except that the person respond in an appropriate manner. We find that we enjoy the conversation and like the answers to our questions. Then we extend a little more trust, we begin to share something of ourselves. Again, the expectation is that the other person will accept that information and share something of themselves. After all, knowing each other is the basis of a relationship.
The way we react to someone is based on previous relationships. Sometimes, we repeat the same process over and over. Do we not learn?
Well that depends. It depends on whether we understand our reactions. And it depends on the other person too. We are not always able to recognize when we react to something in a negative way. And if the other person does not catch the signs, then we are doomed to repeat the same mistake.
That is when trust comes in. When we trust someone and open up a little of ourselves, we are trusting or expecting that they will be able to recognize the negative reactions and help us through them.
That is a lot to put on someone. And that is why so many fast, hot relationships break apart so quickly.
Each person has those expectations or trust in the other.
The relationship falls apart and each looks at the other and is determined not to "trust" again.
Then the wall comes up. You can call it anything you want, but all it means is that we fear.
We fear our needs and wants. Are we looking for too much, are we looking for something that doesn't exist?
We fear letting ourselves open to another. We are so unsure of ourselves, of what we see as truth.
We fear being hurt again. We fear the defeat we felt not so long ago.
What is trust? Do we need it? Can we have a relationship without it?
The way we react to someone is based on previous relationships. Sometimes, we repeat the same process over and over. Do we not learn?
Well that depends. It depends on whether we understand our reactions. And it depends on the other person too. We are not always able to recognize when we react to something in a negative way. And if the other person does not catch the signs, then we are doomed to repeat the same mistake.
That is when trust comes in. When we trust someone and open up a little of ourselves, we are trusting or expecting that they will be able to recognize the negative reactions and help us through them.
That is a lot to put on someone. And that is why so many fast, hot relationships break apart so quickly.
Each person has those expectations or trust in the other.
The relationship falls apart and each looks at the other and is determined not to "trust" again.
Then the wall comes up. You can call it anything you want, but all it means is that we fear.
We fear our needs and wants. Are we looking for too much, are we looking for something that doesn't exist?
We fear letting ourselves open to another. We are so unsure of ourselves, of what we see as truth.
We fear being hurt again. We fear the defeat we felt not so long ago.
What is trust? Do we need it? Can we have a relationship without it?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held high and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure ... that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn ... and you learn with every goodbye, you learn.
"Aprendiendo"
Jorge Luis Borges
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