Communication 3

“ I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant”
― Alan Greenspan

How often this is true! Communication is based on a mutually understood language. Again, written, spoken or gestures, but how often to we realize that although we speak the same language we don't understand a word that was said.

Listening is important. What is listening? To listen, you must put aside ego and let your defenses down. You have to be in the moment. So many times we listen and are composing in our heads our response to what we are hearing, not what was meant, but what we heard.

Think about trying to sing while someone is telling you the words to the next line. Sure, you get some of it, but the melody suffers along with the rhythm. You lose the meaning of the song.

Try an experiment, the next time someone talks to you. Make you mind blank and look them in the eyes and watch what they are saying.

Let me know how it works!

Communication continued

In any relationship, communication is important.
It can be as simple as a command to a beloved pet or complicated directions to a co worker, we communicate everyday.

We use both types of communication, we transmit and we exchange. We tell the store clerk what we want for example. We call for an appointment and exchange information.

In a D/s relationship, one would tend to think we would use both types of communication also. But I disagree. In any intimate relationship, we communicate by exchanging information. In the D/s relationship that is most finely tuned. The exchange, as in the power exchange, is always there. That does not mean it is always good. There are many times it is a destructive exchange, especially if it is not completely open.

Communication

Communication is a word that is tossed around all the time by those that would give advice on relationships.
What is communication and why is it important enough that everyone has an opinion on it?

Strictly speaking, communication is:

- an act or instance of transmitting

- information transmitted or conveyed  
- a verbal or written message
So speaking to someone or writing to someone is communication. But is this is the communication we are referring to when we talk about communication in a relationship.

Another definition is:
- a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior
- also exchange of information 

This involves an exchange. This is the communication we refer to in a relationship. An exchange of information, in a variety of ways. It can be the spoken word or the written word, and also signs or behaviors.

Don't be afraid to wait.
Taking on a relationship is a big step. But how long is too long?

You meet someone, and you and he seem to think alike. You enjoy each others company, and you spend more and more time together.
In the world of D/s, you begin to think of submission. Is he the right Dom for me? Can I be the right sub for him?
Too often that need to submit clouds the bigger picture. The fact that you have specific needs is forgotten


“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”
Maureen Dowd

Control

I have been thinking alot about control lately. I guess because so much is happening that is out of my control.
What is control really? The definition doesn't tell me much: To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct. >laughs< What does that mean?

Looking at it closely it means I can influence and direct .... direct .... what?
Well, anything I choose.

Wait, that means that I can control anything? And that is the rub, we can only control that which is in our power to control. So as a sub I want to control the immediate world around me, to manipulate it so that I feel loved and needed and safe ( we all have specific needs). But in truth, I also seek one that will control that for me.
Why? What about empowerment, what about taking control of your self?

Well, that is very important. The definition of empowerment is to give power or authority to, or to enable or permit. So I accept that I have power and authority over me. I choose to give that power and authority to another. Is that not empowerment? To make a choice in my own best interests?

Submission is a choice

Submission is not only a conscious choice. It is also an unconscious one. While the initial act of submission should be a well thought out decision, the continuing surrender becomes unconscious. It becomes an existence.

We may feel we make that choice to submit each and every time, but truly once we start down that path, we find those decisions less difficult or really, our feelings of “I choose” slip behind the trust and love we have for our Dominant. We choose to take the choice out of our hands and leave it in the hands of the one we trust completely.

We become dominated, and thus become free.

This creates angst in us. While we seek to be controlled, we also want to control. We want to control our ability to submit. We stand up and say “I choose to submit”. When we realize that choice is surrounded by our Dominant’s control, we struggle. (I believe many of the arguments concerning the difference between a slave and a sub begin here.)

An experienced Dominant knows this process. An inexperienced one is surprised and may lose control creating havoc for both the sub and the Dominant. The less control the Dominant exerts the less submission the sub gives. It is easy at this point to exclaim that the sub is not a true sub and only see the dominant side.

It is incumbent on the Dominant in the beginning of the relationship to establish his domination, his control so that the submission feels those bonds. In the beginning of the relationship, each is “staking their territory” so to speak. He knows what he needs, and seeks to find that in the sub. She knows what she needs and seeks that in the Dominant. A dance so to speak, with the Dominant taking the lead. But remember, one cannot dance this dance alone. The Dominant must guide the sub into the role he desires. This is done because of the initial surrender, she has asked his guidance. She has surrendered her control and asks him to direct her on the journey they travel together. This does not mean he is “in charge” now with no input from her. It means he takes the responsibility to learn her and understand her and guide their relationship into one that is mutually satisfying. What a responsibility!!

How does he do that? Experience helps. Listening, reading and learning are also important. The greatest quality I feel is the ability to listen to the sub and communicate. He must communicate the goal they are trying to achieve, talk her though the questions and fears and be able to admit when he may be unsure or off the path. Submissives are more satisfied when the Dominant feels their pain, when the Dominant understands when they are upset, understands tears and anger. Submissives are more likely to open up and learn themselves better when they feel that their feelings are valid and valued.

It is also important for the submissive to know that the Dominant is upset and feels pain and anger also. It is reassuring for the sub to know that the Dominant is invested enough to care that deeply. Submissives (especially women) do not see this as weakness; rather it is seen as a sign of immense strength. 

Surrender or Love

In any relationship there comes a time when you know. You know it is time to move forward or time to move on.
Finding that moment is heartbreaking for many, especially for the long term relationship.

When a relationship is new, we tend to hold back a little. Just in case, it is not what we think it is. Human nature I suppose. Maybe not everyone does. I dont really remember if I did the first time I fell in love.
After some time, we give and give and open ourselves up. We are now emotionally invested some would say. We have a reason to work at making the relationship work.

What happens when a sub takes a collar? The relationship is more than emotional now. The feelings involved are deep, but the power exchange is profound. What happens if the D/s relationship fails but the emotional one continues.

How can that happen?
The Dom does not live up to his responsibility, or the sub holds back complete surrender. But the emotions are still there. What do they do? Is the trust broken?