Submission is a choice

Submission is not only a conscious choice. It is also an unconscious one. While the initial act of submission should be a well thought out decision, the continuing surrender becomes unconscious. It becomes an existence.

We may feel we make that choice to submit each and every time, but truly once we start down that path, we find those decisions less difficult or really, our feelings of “I choose” slip behind the trust and love we have for our Dominant. We choose to take the choice out of our hands and leave it in the hands of the one we trust completely.

We become dominated, and thus become free.

This creates angst in us. While we seek to be controlled, we also want to control. We want to control our ability to submit. We stand up and say “I choose to submit”. When we realize that choice is surrounded by our Dominant’s control, we struggle. (I believe many of the arguments concerning the difference between a slave and a sub begin here.)

An experienced Dominant knows this process. An inexperienced one is surprised and may lose control creating havoc for both the sub and the Dominant. The less control the Dominant exerts the less submission the sub gives. It is easy at this point to exclaim that the sub is not a true sub and only see the dominant side.

It is incumbent on the Dominant in the beginning of the relationship to establish his domination, his control so that the submission feels those bonds. In the beginning of the relationship, each is “staking their territory” so to speak. He knows what he needs, and seeks to find that in the sub. She knows what she needs and seeks that in the Dominant. A dance so to speak, with the Dominant taking the lead. But remember, one cannot dance this dance alone. The Dominant must guide the sub into the role he desires. This is done because of the initial surrender, she has asked his guidance. She has surrendered her control and asks him to direct her on the journey they travel together. This does not mean he is “in charge” now with no input from her. It means he takes the responsibility to learn her and understand her and guide their relationship into one that is mutually satisfying. What a responsibility!!

How does he do that? Experience helps. Listening, reading and learning are also important. The greatest quality I feel is the ability to listen to the sub and communicate. He must communicate the goal they are trying to achieve, talk her though the questions and fears and be able to admit when he may be unsure or off the path. Submissives are more satisfied when the Dominant feels their pain, when the Dominant understands when they are upset, understands tears and anger. Submissives are more likely to open up and learn themselves better when they feel that their feelings are valid and valued.

It is also important for the submissive to know that the Dominant is upset and feels pain and anger also. It is reassuring for the sub to know that the Dominant is invested enough to care that deeply. Submissives (especially women) do not see this as weakness; rather it is seen as a sign of immense strength.