Relationship 101

I sure wish this was a class I could take. Relationships are so hard, then you throw in the D/s piece and you are creating a potential bomb!
Why are they so hard?
When we are young, there are so many questions and we get wrapped up in learning all we can about the people we become infatuated with. We want to know it all! Every breath they take! Every word becomes something to hang onto. This grows into love, and if it is the right one, this deepens over time. If it lasts, then we grow into each other. Growing into each other is something that takes time.
It means learning and understanding how and why a person reacts the way they do to a word, a glance, a situation or an argument. How much better would it be if we, ourselves, understood why we do such things.
But many times we don't and the other person, with time and understanding can help one learn and change the reactions. It is said that people that are in love and live together a long time begin to look like each other. I think that is true in the sense that the way they react to the world around them becomes similar. At best, they take the best from each other and incorporate it into themselves.

But what happens if it doesn't last? If it ends in pain or disillusionment. That happens. We can not always understand the needs of someone without the time it takes to know them. All the buzz words come into play.... love, trust, faith etc. We again react. Each failed relationship, whether it is a couple love relationship or not, leaves wounds. Some wounds heal quickly and leave a tiny scar easily ignored. Some leave large scars that are visible and yet others leave open wounds that don't completely heal. These are the ones to watch out for, because at some point they will infect any relationship. 

Entering into a relationship with someone with scars and wounds is a choice you need to think about carefully. It can be a mine field. It is romantic to think you can pick someone up and help them heal. The reality is that it is hard work and can be frustrating. It will push you to the limit of your own capabilities. The other thing to consider is that you can cause additional harm if you cannot see it through.
Learning to trust someone after you have been hurt is a process that means opening the wound and allowing it to weep then heal. If you start the process and then drop it, the wound is deeper. Again, think carefully before jumping into this role.

A lot to think about, and that is before you enter into the relationship. Then you want to throw in the Domination and submission piece.
Dominating a submissive with "baggage" is not something to be entered into lightly. It will test the Master in you every minute of every day. She will test you, challenge you and push the limits. It is not always a conscious thought, but a reaction to what she has experienced in the past. Remember she does not always know why she reacts as she does. She does not always understand why she feels as she does. And you won't either. So what do you do?
Look at the title, "Relationship 101", remember first and foremost it is a relationship that is being built. There is a lot to learn. You need to think of the reasons you wanted the relationship to begin with. For a moment, put on your Master hat and think about why she is reacting as she is. Is she testing? Is she challenging you as a Master? or does she even know? Is she confused and reaching out for any reaction from you. You may not have the answer, but somehow you need to put her in the position to discover the answer in herself. How do you do that?
For a sub that is reacting rather than thinking, she needs stability. Something to hold onto that is known and consistent. For some it is being held tight, for some it is being bound, it depends on the sub. (You may want to think of this before the meltdown and have a plan.) Then listen, and listen some more. Let her talk it through. Let her know you love her no matter what. Let her know you accept her no matter what. For a time, don't think about how it affects you. Focus on her and her confusion and needs. Is that hard to do? You bet cha! Impossible for some and the reason for so many dissolved relationships. Is it worth it? Well, you be the judge. Do you want the relationship? Do you want her?

Once the stability is established, you can back off and let her learn. Punish if you must, or if she needs it. Talk about what happened, and let her see what she did wrong. Now is the time to examine your reactions and why. Now is the time for her to learn which buttons she pushed and why. Now is the time for you both to smooth the hurt and grow from the experience.
One thing to remember, you are the Master. There is a reason she looks to you. If she could do it herself, she would not need you to do it. She needs you to take control and make it happen.

Did you think it would be easy? Does she have any responsibility to you, her Master. Yes, of course, she does. But you may need to remind her of that at first. She is still learning, she is still learning how what she does affects the balance in the relationship. She will learn through your guidance and care. Isn't that what you signed up for?

Transparency

Honesty and openness in any relationship is crucial. But what about transparency? I must admit that for me this is a new concept. Or is it really?

Honesty is defined as fairness and straightforwardness of conduct and also adherence to the facts. I think that is what we are all used to understanding when someone tells you they are honest. The facts, just the facts… can one be honest with just the facts yet be perceived as deceitful? Does honesty imply we give all the facts? Can we pick and choose which facts we reveal? (Chuckles thinking that is diplomacy).

Transparent is defined as able to be seen through, easy to notice or understand and honest and open, not secretive. So the word honest is used in the meaning of transparency.

Not secretive. What does that mean? The meaning is not letting people see or know what you are doing or thinking. So if that is true, we are all secretive at times.

Transparency is therefore is straightforward and fair, sticking to facts and letting someone know what you are thinking. That is a lot to ask of someone.  Transparency is offering the whole story, not holding back the thoughts behind it.

What does that mean for a relationship?

We like to think we are open and honest when we enter into a relationship. We want to know what the other person is thinking and feeling. We want to share our thoughts and feelings. Intimacy, which is what we strive for.

Where does honesty enter in? When we share our thoughts and our feelings we try to give the other some understanding of who we are. It only makes sense that we would be honest, or else the person they begin to know is not really the person we are. Oh wait, maybe that is what we want. Do we at times try to become what we think the other person is looking for? I think the key here is that honesty begins with ourselves. We have to be honest with ourselves to ever dream of being honest with someone else.

Being open means letting another touch our thoughts and feelings in an intimate way. That is a little more difficult than honesty I think. With honesty we are giving our thoughts as facts (facts as we know them). In openness we are allowing another to touch those thoughts and to interact with them. We are acknowledging that those thoughts may be changed by the other person. We accept that the thoughts of the other one may affect how we feel. A really difficult thing for many people to do, especially if there has been abuse of the privilege previously.

Then we toss in being transparent. Giving another access to thoughts and feelings in a depth that can be staggering. I think transparent goes beyond open.

What does that all mean for a D/s relationship where we now talk about a power exchange?

In the power exchange, the submissive surrenders her power, her will to the Dominant. In exchange, the Dominant uses the combined power for the relationship and the two people involved. It is a rather simplistic definition but for our purposes adequate.

In surrendering her power she goes beyond simple thoughts and feelings. She reaches deep inside and brings forth the deepest innermost pieces of her being. In surrendering this, the need for honesty is overshadowed by the need for transparency. For not only does she need to open her thoughts and feelings to him, she needs to open the roots of those thoughts and feelings. The giving of power and her need for Domination grants him the right to all that she thinks. Without it, he cannot completely dominate. He has the tools, his power, her power and her thoughts. Transparency sharpens those tools. Without sharpness, mishaps can happen and in the end, both can be harmed. 

Does this happen right away in the relationship? I think this is where we run into trouble. To be transparent, one must have a deep secure sense of self and a deep trust of the other. It cannot happen overnight, but needs to grow with the relationship. Most do not give it the time needed. We enter into a relationship wanting to share thoughts. As caring deepens, we begin to open up and share feelings. As the feelings deepen, we enter into the power exchange and transparency begins, yes begins. It is not immediate and it takes time. It is incumbent on the Dominant to facilitate the movement toward transparency.

Just maybe

Just maybe I will
Today

Find a ray of sunshine
to warm my heart

Just maybe I will
Today

Find a kind smile
to melt the ice

Just maybe I will
Today

Find a song
worth singing again

Just maybe I will
Today

Open my eyes, my heart, my mind and my soul

Again

Where am I going? Submissive without a Dom

The song keeps running through my mind.....

"Where am I going?
And what will I find?
What's in this grab bag
That I call my mind?

What am I doing
Alone on the shelf?
Ain't it a shame
But no one's to blame but myself

Which way is clear
When you've lost your way
Year after year?

Do I keep falling in love
For just a kick of it?
Staggering through
The thin and thick of it

Hating each old
Tired, trick of it
Know what I am,
I'm good and sick of it

Where am I going?
Why do I care?
Run where it's foul
Run where it's fair
No matter where I run
I meet myself there

Looking inside me, what do I see?
Anger and hope and doubt
What am I all about?
And where am I going?
Tell me why do I care?

No matter where I run
I meet myself there"
  (Sweet Charity)

So I meet myself there, always. No matter where I run, I still am me. I look at who I am, what I am pops up. I am submissive. Submissive to whom? Without a Dom, can I be submissive? Do I change when I am alone? Do I act differently?

Being submissive is in my nature, yet it is difficult to express that. I find myself at times looking around wanting to feel that submissive feeling I have known with a Dom. Is it the feeling I want? Yes, but it is more. It is the need for a Dom to care for me.

Subs need to be submissive. I need to be submissive. I find myself understanding more the term sub frenzy. I knew what it was, but didn't understand it. I have always had the luxury of holding out and waiting. But now, as  I feel these feeling bubbling inside threatening at some times to erupt like a flow of lava, I understand what it is.

I know how easy it is to fall in that rabbit hole. You know the one I mean. The one where you question all that you are and just want to feel. Perhaps I am slipping into it now, inch by inch. I look down into the dark and imagine. I need to be at the feet of a Dom. I need that feeling of his hand on my head. I need his voice shutting out the world.

So now what? Oh, how well I know the dangers. My rational mind tells me that in the long run, I will suffer if I don't take my time and learn to know and trust a Dom. My heart runs and jumps in his arms and says the hell with caution.

What do I trust? If I can't trust myself?

The dilemma we all face I suspect, at times. Hold on to my knowledge. That is all I can do at the moment. And take it moment by moment.

The beginning .... begins with an ending

There is an ending coming. An ending of my holding on to something that never really was. Something I dreamed of, something I cherished and yes loved.

I hold on, not to the memories but to what could have been. The memories we never got to build, to share. That is what I miss the most. Giving that up leaves a large hole in me. A gap between the me I am and the me I want to be.

Careful here, I want to fill it. But I am scared. I am alone and afraid of what will fill that gap. Creating it took so much pain and heartache. Am I strong enough to do that again?

Being a sub, I naturally seek someone to fill it for me. Someone to take care of me and make the hole go away. But I am smarter and stronger than that, than to just let anyone be my savior. There are many that want to, they have what I need they tell me. I am drawn to their words but inside I am saying ... no, don't trust again. Words are easy, actions tell it all.

Sub frenzy they call it. Submissive frenzy is that state of mind that a sub can enter at any time. You will hear it more with new subs excited to experience their new found submission and with other subs that have ended a relationship. During submissive frenzy, a sub feels a desperate need to be owned and belong. Sub frenzy is that overwhelming, insatiable need to experience submission. The sub may do anything to experience it, with no regard to safety.

What are the signs of sub frenzy?

• Hunger to experience it RIGHT NOW!
• Focus on finding the "One"
• Falling in love with a Dominant within a short time of meeting them
• Seeking Dominants and acting submissively to each and every one
• Tossing aside safety protocols
• Giving complete trust to a Dominant in a short time
• Accepting a collar because the Dominant gives it
• Ignoring "gut" feelings and red flags
• Changing yourself to appeal to what the Dominant wants

 Wanting to feel submissive so desperately that you are willing to give up who you are and what you really need.
So how do you stop sub frenzy?

If you are a new submissive:

• Find a mentor and pay attention to what they say.
• Read all you can about the lifestyle 
• Attend munches and local group functions.
• Ask questions… lots and LOTS of questions.
• Take time to know the person inside the Dominant if they are interested in you.
• Take TIME.

And above all, be honest with and about yourself.

If you are coming from a failed relationship:

• Give yourself time to heal.
• Grieve, go through the stages of grief.
• Connect with a friend preferably a Dominant that will not take advantage of your vulnerability.
• Concentrate on the positives and get to know yourself better.

And the new beginning? For me it is letting go of the past and opening up to the possibilities. It is accepting that I am worth it, that I am precious and that I deserve someone to care for me. No, I am not going to allow that hole to be filled with just anyone.
It will take time, lots of time.

My Dear Sir

A glance, a hand extended

The warmth obvious

A haven, a shelter

Extended and freely given

Asking nothing but response

Response given

Is one of adoration

And caring

To be so cared for

With no expectations

Except to be who I am

Release

"You feel like a candle in a hurricane...." no truer words from a popular song.
A sub released from her Master. Suddenly she is without that shelter that was hers for ... well it doesn't matter how long... except the longer the relationship the more difficult the fall.

 
What happened? Who did what? Why? What do I do now? What DID I DO?

 
The questions, oh the questions. For the sub, she seeks something to make sense of what happened. Her light is in danger, the wind is strong and there is no shelter. She runs. First one way then the next. Sometimes to someone's arms for shelter, sometimes to someone's arms for pain, sometimes to a corner to curl up. But she runs. "round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning, on an ever spinning reel" More words, but describes the mind of a sub when she is spinning.
Out of control. Words that no sub wants to hear or feel. Control is the issue.

 
The stronger the sub, the harder this is felt. A strong sub knows herself well, she knows her wants and needs. She is capable and able to care for herself.

 
But she gave that to the Dom who became her Master. She gave him her strength, her power. He holds that for her. He walks away and leaves it dropped in the mud. For a brief time, she can only stare at it. Not able to move or pick it up. It is like an alien thing to her, not recognizable with his imprint on it.
She runs. Not far, and stares back at it realizing that she is missing something.

 
So she steps back closer an looks at it, reaches out and prods it with a finger. The yearning overwhelms her and she sways. His scent is in the air, the scent she knows so well. The scent that kept her strong for so long.

 
She bends, her knees almost to the ground as if a remembered pose and sinks a hand in the mess that is lying there. She shudders at the cold lifeless feel, and draws in a deep breath to fortify herself as she picks it up an drapes it around her. Shivers she turns and walks away.
But where does she go? What does a sub do when her world is turned upside down? When the gift she gave is cruelly rejected?

 
Now some may argue that it may have been snatched back by the sub and the Dom had no part in it. I disagree.
The Dom has the responsibility of the sub. It is his responsibility for her welfare. If submission is being withdrawn, then he needs to take the same steps to assure her and himself a transition.
"the edge of a canyon with only one way down" again, that song. Yes, she again looks down where she was before, the edge. But before she looked at him and he nodded with trust and "she jumped into his arms as he whispered "welcome home"" She looks down and for a moment is certain that if she jumps he will catch her again.

 
But she does not feel that trust anymore, that assuredness that he will always be there. She sways  and falls back afraid, then turns and runs, again. Into the darkness where she feels her light buffeted by the wind.

 
The questions swirl around her and unsure of where to go she is vulnerable to influence. She is lacking structure and control. Oh she will develop her own, and a strong sub will put on the appearance of being "ok". She is good at exerting an inner control and she gathers the stones to build her wall up again. But that is a facade, and there are some that can see that. Hopefully they mean her no harm, but she is in danger of the wrong control taking over.

 
Where is the Dom all this time? I don't know. I would hope to think he is just as upset at the loss of the sub. His world is also shaken. The power he held is gone, ripped away., and he must feel a certain weakness. Weakness and discomfort. Is that what causes him to toss her power in the mud and walk away? Why is it so difficult for a Dom to admit a weakness and lack of power. He is still in control, but perhaps in not the same way and that is disconcerting.

Nonetheless, it is his responsibility to look after his sub, to help her stand on her feet and regain the power he no longer wants or she no longer wants to give him.
She runs, she spins in circles, she is lost in so many ways and for a time very certain she has no worth. He needs to leave her with a sense of worth, a sense of purpose, as sense of who she is without him.
Ahh.. she should know that? But remember, she gave him a part of herself. The best part and it is now tarnished and she is unsure. Who will validate her worth?

 
"On your knees you look up
 Decide you've had enough
 You get mad you get strong
 Wipe your hands shake it off
 Then you Stand"

 Yes she will stand, yes she will shake it off and be stronger. The price is enormousness. The pain and hurt she goes through is difficult to fathom. Assuredly he must go through some also.

 
How much easier would it be if he helped her stand, helped it from her knees and guided her to a path where she would find her strength again.

Easier for both I would think. For in helping her be released, he helps himself release her. She withdraws her power slowly and he withdraws his support slowly.

 
They still part, but as whole people, not crushed and broken and she walks with pride and hope.